A Rainy Afternoon

'This is what you will never understand about me' - she said while putting her coffee on the table.

'I fear intimacy...
Most people... normal people... would crave an intimate relationship. Not I.
Does this make me a coward?                 
I guess so...
Thinking that I have to be vulnerable, that I have to put my feelings in someone else's hands and trust them not to throw them away, is terrifying.
How many times have I witnessed people mistreating and hurting others? Plenty.' - She stopped for a moment. Looked at the rain outside the window and went on.

'I do not like feeling used, I do not like being vulnerable, I don't like letting other people 'control' me, I do not want to depend on anyone and I do not want to hurt others. So I push them away. I cut them off early on.
I hate intimacy. I hate being in a position where I give other people the power to hurt me.' - She stood up and walked towards the window.

She kept on looking at the rain as she said:

'They think I'm snob. A terrible person, but in reality I am protecting myself from heartache, betrayal, mistreatment, humiliation and pain. I know what it feels like to look at myself in the mirror for months, even years, with tears in my eyes begging myself to be strong.
This horrible feeling in my stomach, those needles, the moment my world pauses for some seconds, the emptiness afterwards and the tears.
I hate myself for being like this. For making something so simple, so difficult.
Emotional attachment is not easy and not having it means I can protect myself.
For so many years, I have been the hero of my own story, saving myself every single time.'

Turning towards me, she continued...

'What I need is not someone to save me but someone that will help me understand, someone to make me feel emotionally stable, someone that will not be afraid to stick around, someone that will be brave enough to approach me no matter how difficult I am. Someone that will want nothing from me, that will want just me, someone to keep me on the edge of my seat, someone to admire.'

And I understood her...
It is funny how people can judge someone by their looks, social media, accomplishments, the mask they wear daily but never suspect that things might not be as perfect as they seem to be.

'It is not difficult to be in a relationship' - she said while leaning on the window.
'What is difficult is finding someone that will be true and honest.
In a society where everything is easy, accessible, possible, provided with many options, finding someone that is true, is difficult.
For you; - she said while looking at me in the eyes, 'relationships might be the easiest thing in the world. To me they are the most terrifying!'

© 2018