As we get older, we get to realize that the potential partners we meet carry certain baggage with them. Some of them will have many past relationships, where as others might be divorced and have children.
As a single woman however, with no divorces and children on your back, how do you handle a situation where the person you are interested in, is divorced and has children?
Well, there are a lot of things you should pay attention to.
- The first and most important is to understand the relationship your potential partner has with his ex-wife. This is very tricky because you don't really want to get involved in their relationship, whether they are friends or 'enemies'. It is not your business and should not be. His past is not yours and you shouldn't have to deal with it.
* If they are enemies you let him deal with his ex-wife (she is not your problem)
** If they are friends, you let him deal with his ex-wife (she is not your friend, you don't have to meet her and you don't need to be friends with her).
- When the ex-wife is a friend pay close attention to how intrusive she is. For them to be friends means that there is nothing sexual between them. If there was, they would have been together.
* If the first time you meet her (by accident) she states her 'LABEL' and 'POSITION' in his life, i.e. 'I am his ex-wife', pay close attention. It might seem innocent at first but she is letting you know that she will always be around, she holds a position from which she will not be removed.
- When a conflict arises, who is he going to believe? You? - the 2 month date? - or her, the ex-wife? Her opinion has more value than yours.
- You need to have a serious conversation with him before deciding whether you would like to date him or not. You should make him understand that you want to get to know him, not his ex-wife. After all, in the first stages of dating you should focus on getting to know each other. What happens if you figure out that you do not get along?
- You need to make him realize that you understand his position as a father. You understand that his priority are his children. However, you will not tolerate him prioritizing his ex-wife instead. For example, when he is leaving you 'to get the ex-wife from the airport' is not ok, because he is not talking about his children. When he is attending important events with his ex-wife and his children behaving as if he is a married man, is not ok. What would have happened if you attended the same event as him, the ex-wife and his children? How would have he behaved if you were his current partner?
- Is your potential partner setting boundaries to his ex-wife? If not, you will be getting into fights and you will be the one getting hurt. He will always be running back to his safety - the ex-wife.
- You need to make him understand that you do not want him to ruin his relationship with his ex-wife. They have history together and that is understandable.
- However, no matter how close they are, she is his past and you are the present. If he wants you two to work, she needs to stay out of your conversations, your meetings, your private moments. Her part in your life is irrelevant. She is no one to you, except your partner's ex-wife. You shouldn't have to deal with her, especially in the first stages of dating. After three or six months of dating you would be in a position to decide whether you would like to meet her - and that is another big conversation.
- You are never going to be his children's mother. You can be a fun friend but that's it. This is not your position and he shouldn't expect you to behave that way.
Wanting to get to know him is part of the dating process. However, when you start feeling as if you are the third person in a married couple relationship, then the situation is not clear. It is indeed very difficult for anyone to be in the middle trying to figure out how to make everything work and how to make everyone happy. The important thing however, is being able to make yourself happy and setting your boundaries and priorities right.
Relationships are always hard. What we have the power to do however is to choose the battles we are willing to fight for.
Not being taken seriously is not something you should tolerate and no one should be forcing you to get into situations that will only hurt you and end up leaving you alone.
'Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it' - Rumi
©2021
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