You can if you are a gentleman

This is an excerpt from Disc X, Volume II of "In the Room with Milton H. Erickson, M.D."

"So at the time, summertime, my father sent me on an errant to the nearby village, As I approached the village some of my schoolmates saw me and rushed to tell me that Joe was back. Something entirely meaningless to me. 

Joe at the age of  12 had been expelled from every country school. He was aggressive, combative, destructive. He had soaked a cat and dog with kerosene and set them on fire for self-entertainment. He had tried to burn down his father barn twice and his father's home twice. He had stabbed the pigs, the calves. the cows, horses with a pitch fork.

His parents in despair, since he is an only child, took him to court and had him declared an incorrigible to be committed to Waukesha Industrial School for boys. At the age of 21, in a prison-made suit, prison-made shoes and ten dollars, Joe was released and went to Milwaukee. 

Very shortly he was arrested for armed robbery and burglary and sentenced to a young men's reformatory in Green Bay, Wisconsin.

He did not get any time off for good behaviour.  

Two miles from the village there lived a farmer his wife and daughter. That farmer had 200 acres of rich Dodge County farmland, good buildings all kept up and no mortgages. In fact, a very wealthy man. Had a daughter who was 23 years old, 5 feet 10, very pretty. She was considered an old maid by the entire community because she was 23 years old and too-too choosy to get married. 

Edie also had other qualities. She had a full education of 8th grade was considered all the education you needed. She's also known as the best cook in the entire community. 

He sent Edie to the village on an errand. Eddie arrived, tied up her horse and buggy and walked down the street.

And Joe stood up and barred her way and looked her over from head to toe repeatedly, very coolly. Edie stopped and looked him up down very thoroughly, very coolly.

And Joe said: "Can I take you to the dance next Friday?"

And Edie, without hesitation said "You can if you are a gentleman".

Joe stepped aside. Edie went on her errant.

Of course there was much talk in the village about the encounter.

The next morning the merchant found all his stolen goods returned, the motorboat was back in its mooring place and Joe was seen headed down the road toward Edie's father's farm.

It was learnt later that he applied for the job of hired man.

Edie's father told him: "Being a hired man ain't an easy job. You work from sunup until long after the sundown. You work seven days a week. I give you time off on Sunday to go to church only. There's a lot of things that have to be done on Sundays. I'll give you a room in the barn. It gets 35 degrees below zero in that part of the country. And you can eat in the kitchen and pay is fifteen dollars a month. 

Joe took the job. Slept in the barn in a well-insulated room. He ate in the kitchen with the family. All the farmers in that area thought that Edie's father had made a mistake hiring a dangerous criminal like that. 

It turned out that Joe proved that he was the best hired man anybody ever saw and they all had been wishing that they had hired Joe.

After a year of being a perfect hired man, much admired by all farmers, he was silent, he didn't talk much but he was friendly, agreeable. He did his work. Everybody respected him. 

After a year had passed,  a wave of gossip was over the community. 

Saturday night and Joe had been seen taking Edie out for a buggy drive.

Those days, when you courted a girl, you took her sparking and you took her for a buggy ride.

And the next morning, another terrible wave of gossip, because Joe was seen taking Edie to church and that meant the sparking was really serious.

A few months later Edie and Joe were quietly married and Joe moved out of the barn into the main house.

Joe and Edie, though they liked children, never had any, 

And Joe became his father-in-law's hired man.

Eventually, Edie's parents died and Edie inherited the farm.

She and Joe grew old, very highly respected in the community.

And Edie was such a good cook, such a good dressmaker.

They attended church regularly.

Edie still made the bridal clothes for brides and clothes for babies and children, as her gift to the community.

And Joe was often consulted by farmers about planting of crops and Joe was very popular, highly respected man. 

And practically everybody called him "Mister". They didn't call him "Joe".

And all the psychotherapy that Joe received in 29 years had been the worst thing that society could do to a man: being locked in a strong room, in a solitary cell, in the "hole". 

And yet Edie, a pretty girl, a big girl, an accomplished girl when asked "Can I take you dancing on Friday?" said "You can if you are a gentleman".

And that was all the psychotherapy necessary to turn Joe into an asset to the community.

And that case history, had a tremendous influence on me, and made me realize, it isn't the amount of time, it isn't the theory of psychotherapy. It is how you reach a personality, by saying the right thing at the right time and then leaving it to the patient, to do and to adjust.

2023